Couples are made up of individuals; and it is important for each party to always have empathy for their partner. Partnerships are formed when there is agreement and commitment; but over time, perceptions and circumstances can change and the way one understands the agreement may vary to how the other understands it. When communication degrades, counselling can sometimes help restore that communication.
Most relationships are a form of contract that is intangible and rarely expressed. Of course, some contracts, such as marriage, are very tangible and are entered into as part of the commitment phase of a relationship. Agreements require the active participation of both parties, and are generally preceded by:
- a revealing phase
- a discussion phase
- a negotiation phase (this may include bargaining)
- a planning phase (mutual goal decisions)
- a draft phase
- a commitment phase
All the best intentions in the world do not enable people to stay motivated to achieve their goals. What is required is a firm commitment from both parties to achieve mutually agreed upon objectives, and most importantly, a backup plan for failure or mistakes. Clients must remember (as we all must), that mistakes are growth points. Agreements or contracts help display a willingness to exert effort for the relationship. They allow both parties to demonstrate their willingness to invest more into the relationship to further the relationships growth and future security. It also allows each party to show that they are demonstrating their responsibility for their commitment.
A successful agreement takes into account the needs and wishes of both parties, and provides a commitment for the active cooperation of both parties. Not all clients will need to create agreements to ensure they will begin to incorporate communications skills within their relationships. Certainly, if you are counselling an individual on how to improve their interpersonal relations, it would be more advisable to suggest that they keep a diary of the interactions with others and the communication skills they tried to employ within each interaction.
What is essential is to remind clients that old habits will only be phased out slowly and that incorporating any new skill requires constant practice and dedication and may take as long as 6 – 12 months before the integration of new skills feels comfortable.
During this phase, or at any time, there are a number of other measures that can be taken to help maintain a relationship and improve the quality of the interactions taking place. These include but are not limited to: gifts of service, positive self-talk (‘I am good becoming a better communicator. I can achieve a satisfying joyful relationship’), perceiving a rewarding future, intimate play, re-evaluating regularly, ensuring quality time. Encouraging the clients to view and weigh up all the possible other alternatives (current relationship compared against other relationships), can also provide a balanced perspective.
So the first step for any couple to create a healthy relationship is being willing to work together. Many couples will leave difficulties in their relationship until it is starting to fall apart, rather than challenging those difficulties when they first start. A simple little irritation at the start of the relationship can become a major bone of contention a few years down the line. This is why honesty at the beginning of a relationship is essential
Hypothetical Case Study
Elaine and Simon met when they were both in their early 30s. Both had high flying careers. Simon told Elaine when they first met that he wanted children, but not until he was in his late 30s. Elaine said she did not want children at all. At the time, Simon did not take much notice. He thought that all women wanted children and that she would change her mind. Simon is now 40 and desperately wants to have children. Elaine is adamant that she does not want children and feels that Simon did not listen to her. She feels that he is not respecting her feelings. He feels that if she loves him, she should want to have a baby with him. Neither are willing to compromise.
Hypothetical Case Study
Louise and Steven met when Louise was 25 and Steven was 37. Steven was in a committed relationship, living with another woman. When he met Louise, he pursued her for months, until finally she agreed to see him. He saw her behind his partner’s back for some months. Eventually, he told his partner that he no longer wanted to be with her and moved in with Louise. They married shortly after. Before they married, Steven told Louise that if he didn’t have children by the time he was 40, he would not have children at all. His own parents had been older when they had him and he found his childhood difficulty in some ways due to having older parents. They seemed more tired to him than younger parents. Louise told Steven that she didn’t want children until she was in her 30s. They both thought that the other understood them. Steven has just had his 40th birthday. A few days later, Louise brought up the subject of babies and said that she felt ready now to start thinking about starting a family. Steven is adamant that now he is over 40, he will not have children. Louise is very hurt about this. Steven thinks he told her right from the start his feelings and that’s it.
Hypothetical Case Study
Nora and Adam have been seeing each other for three years. Nora has never been married. Adam was divorced ten years ago. When they first met, Adam told Nora that he would never marry again because his first marriage breakdown was so traumatic. Three years down the line, Nora wants to get married. Adam will not consider marriage and is happy to carry on as they are. Nora loves him, but wants more.
All of the above case studies have one thing in common. Things discussed at the start of the relationship have not been taken seriously by the other party. People do change. Some couples will get together thinking they won’t get married or won’t have children or won’t do a, b or c, but people change and they might actually decide to do that. But it is hard when one partner does not want to change or be flexible and the other one has changed.
A lesson for most couples then, is to ensure that they are honest with each other right at the start of the relationship. If they do find that their feelings change in the relationship, they need to be honest straight away and let the other person know that their feelings about an issue have changed.
Hypothetical Case Study
Ella and Ross married when Ella was 18 and Ross was 33. Ross worked as a lawyer. His career was very demanding. He wanted a wife who was willing to stay at home, look after the home and care for their children should they have any. Ella is now 28. She has had two children who are now at school. She does not feel fulfilled. She wants to train as a nurse. This was what she wanted to do before she met Ross. Ross is not supportive, believing that she entered the marriage on the basis that she was responsible for the home and he was the breadwinner.
Again, we can see that this relationship was first established on the traditional idea of the male breadwinner and the female homemaker. Ella married young, but as she has matured, she has found that she wants more out of her life and wants to make changes. Ross feels that she is not living up to her end of the “bargain”.
People who are in relationships where both parties are supportive of each other are likely to feel happier, more satisfied and healthier than couples who do not support each other. Couples can support each other emotionally, physically and practically.
In Australia, around 1 in 3 first marriages end in divorce.
(Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2005)
It is estimated that it takes two to three years for a person in a relationship breakdown to get their lives on track again. Sometimes it takes more than this, sometimes less. Some individuals and families will take five years or more to get over a painful breakdown. During this period, people are more likely to experience emotional and health issues. They may also be worse off financially due to the breakdown.
